I followed Jan back to the house. Maybe I wanted to be certain she actually went home, but then I told her I’d be back later. She said she understood. I drove aimlessly with no particular destination in mind. I listed emotions I knew I should be feeling, but there was nothing. Just blank . . . confusion.
Jan said this had been going on since Maddie was small . . . Maddie was almost an adult now. That meant it had been almost our entire marriage. What would make her. . .? I could understand a certain level of curiosity, and yes, I could grasp stumbling upon images like that, but I could not wrap my head around doing it the second time. And the third. And all the times after that.
At that point, she knew what she was doing. Choosing. But why? Why would a book, or an image on a screen, why would that be more appealing than a real person? A real relationship?
She said not to assume I knew anything about her. She was alternately defiant and desperate. Searingly honest then completely closed. Professing her love while detailing her betrayal.
I felt like I was buried in the sand up to my neck as the waves crashed over me, one after another. I couldn’t breathe. And I had no idea what to do next.
I pulled into a parking lot and got the Bible from the glove box. Psalms. That’s what I needed. I needed to give a scriptural voice to everything going on inside me. I needed to order it, to make sense of it. That wasn’t what came out.
God, You saw her. Why didn’t You stop her? Kill the electricity, or the internet connection. You could have done something.
I ended up reading Psalm 55. “For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; then I could bear it. . . . But it was you . . . my companion . . . we took sweet counsel together, and walked to the house of God . . .”
My chest felt tight the whole time I was reading. The worst, the deepest wound came from the betrayal. Betrayal adds the shame of being duped to the pain of rejection. Then it stirs in anger and a desire for vengeance. I confess I felt all of those toward my wife. God help me.
Continue reading UNDONE Chapter Five